I'm happy , but something inside makes me feel sad.

I'm happy  I love him , he loves me .. everyone around us is happy .. andd .. why am I sad ? because I'm lying to my mom ... and it's killing me inside ... I'm dying ..

but i have to write about him too..
I look at the sky and thenn I look at him , he looks at me.. holds my hand and i feel like I'm home .. His smile is like heaven , when he says that he loves me I'm happiest person in the world , but I know that someday everything will be just memories..good memories and I'm trying to have fucking crazy memories ..  I really love him .. I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him  !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just know that I wanna be with you

you know that feeling when you're finally happy and something makes you depressed again? how many times it can happen ? I  hate this ...
  I posted about my conversation  with my friend , he told me to make friends and everything would be okay .. I tried and it works .. this shit really works .. I was so happy .. Then 4 boys told me that they loved me and one of them was that friend who was always there for me and he gaved me the reason to be happy .. I didn't wanted to make anyone feel bad and I was crying 2 days than I realised that I can be happy only with him because I loved him , so ...
13.01.13 - I'm in relationship with him and everyone is happy because of it ..
..
I'm happy !! I'm finally happy !! His friends like me , we are together all day and everythings just beautifull ...

18.01.13 .. I came home and my mom said that I can't go outside and I can't take my phone back... Because one of my friends said to her that I have a boyfriend and I passed lesson :/
so ... what should I do ? I just didn't knew what I was doing and I took pills and then I realised that  there was HE and he loves me .. I cryed all night and thinked that it was the end , but I'm alive now .... just everything stills the same

she's gone.

I had one friend .. I mean , I had best friend .. No , she wasn' my best friend we were together .
She was so special ,everyone loved her, she was funny , and then .. one day she texted me ..
She : Can you pleasecome ?
Me : no I don't want today ...
She : Okay I'm going now and I love you
Me : I love you too ..
 Then I was waiting for her all day long and then her sister called me and she don't knew where she was ..
Next morning I saw posts on her wall and ... She's just gone ... She's Dead and I'm here alone .. everyone leaves , but .. I don't understand why is everything like this .. why SHE ???? I really loved her and i miss her so much ... really so much .. I miss you and you will be with me always .. in my heart .. It hurts so much ..And we had everything .. we had future together.. why am I alone right now ? why aren't yo here ? why ccan't you make me happy again / ?? I really need to see you but you're not around .. miss you miss you miss you !! and need you so much ..

you never loved me ...

Yesterday night I talked with my ex boyfriend :))

He : I have one question to you
Me : ??
He: you knew that I never loved you and why you were with me ?? (I thinked that he loved me and I cried so much .. )
Me: Because I loved you
He : Do you still love me ?
Me : Now listen !! I never thinked about boys , but then I met you , and you broke  me into pieces .. Do you know what's my life after this ? Nothing !! when we broke up my friends don't were at the city and I was all alone I had no one to talk to and after this I can't trust to my friends , I was all alone and all day was at the cemetery sitting and crying because don't knew how to live without you .. and now I can't trust them I'm alone .. when someone asks what kind of boys I like in my mind there is only one guy and this is you but I don't say anithing ..no one will hurt me that much again .. and I willnever forgive you this pain .. I can't pretend like it doesn't hurts, I can't pretend like there can be some other guys who can make me happy .. I can't be like this anymore , I don't want to talk to you but I can't ... I will not say that I love you because I hate you for the pain .. I don't know how to say what I feel and what it means :))
He : Wow , you know I don't want to play with your feeling and I think it will be better for you if we never talk again ..
Me : can you please see me just for once ? I really need to see you..
He :  No , no I can't to see you and don't kiss you and I don't want it to happened because I don't want to play with your feelings ..
Me : It's easy for you , you can just forget about me and me , I will cry all day and night about someone who doesn't even thinks about me
He : I know what's good for you .. I can see you but then you will think about me more and more ..
Me: okay ..
He : I can call you and you can see me ok ?
Me : okay ..
Then he called and I saw him again .. His face .. I really missed him .. then I asked
Me: Did you ever thinked that you love me ?
He : I can't remember
Me : okay ...I'm going now ..
He : good bye and you don't do stupid thinks , I know you and I know your fucking thoughs and please , don't do this okay ?
Me : I can't promise you but I will try
He : thanks
Me : But you broke your promises and I can do this now too
He  : I want this for you
Me : I wanted those for US !!! but now you're gone and nothing changes this stupid conversaiton ... so , good bye ..
He : bye ..











I cried all night and I don't eat all day .. why is everything like this ?? I don't understand .... and I still miss him ...

Dear diary : quotes from 15 august

I don't know why but we meet again .. I didn't  talked to him , I just watched and thinked : ,, does he really deserves my tears ?? he lied to me ..but memories are killing me ...and the pain too ..That's my fault , why I thinked that someone could really love me ? that's impossible ..and at the end everyone leaves ".. My head was like storm ... he asked what's wrong, like nothing ever heppened .. and then I asked :

Me: why did you lied to me ?
He:what?
Me: everything.
He: ...
Me: you love someone else ?
He : no
Me: Do you know what do you did ?
He : what ?
Me : No , nothing .. ( I'm hurt , I cut myself again, I'm depressed, I really miss you, I'm broken, I can't trust to no one anymore , I want to die , I cant see my future , Pain is killing me , I'm not me , miss you,please come back)
He: please tell me ..
Me: I said nothing...

and then he huged me ..and I thinked : ,, He broked promises , He lost everything in second ,but what can I do ? nothing " .. and tears ...I don't know why but I don't wanted he to see me  cry and I huged one more time ..
he thinked that everything would be how it was before , but I don't gived chance ... BECAUSE I AM MONSTER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear diary : quotes from 6 august

Everything has changed.... happiness is over and I'm back in my black world ..Of course , i knew that happiness is never forever, I knew that everything around us is just an ilusion , that love doesn't exsists,that everybody leaves,everybody leaves and you're staying alone ... I knew , but i believed and i were happy ..and today , when it's over I'm listening to music and I'm at our own place .....

how always, at cemetery..












I'm sitting here and realise that I've got nothing but the memories...


I don't wanted this.. I don't wanted to end our story , but I think that was the only way ... :(((
I know that you loved me and I don't believe that you did this ..I can't believe that someone will love you more than I do ... .. Yes, I cried last night , but that can't change this shit ..

I love everything about you.. your voice is myfavorite melody ..your smell is my favorite perfume..I loved when you were angry ..your hug was my favorite thing ... your smile was like atom bomb in my heart xd when you were saying "I love you" it never gived me sleep  ..Yes I loved everything baout you .. I loved waiting for you  .. I loved you and I will love you always ...

I miss the day when we first meet ..I miss that moment when you made a heart with leaf and now i have that leaf in my deary and around it writen "Je t'aime" 100 times ..like stupid ..maybe that's my fault, because I believed , but now I can't erase ..

"We" don't were forever  but my feelings for you are forever ..

I just really really miss you so much ...

new year, same feelings

first day of 2013 and i feel terrible. All i really want is someone who will care no metter what and I regret that I lost someone who were always there for me and loved me ... tommorow I will see him and i will try to tell about my feelings.  maybe tomorrow will be worse and i will miss today , but now I miss yesterday :) I regret that I said  him about my scars and depression, I regret that I don't were good anough and I regret that I don't gived him chance ..why I did it ? I really loved him but I was broken , and I'm still broken ... maybe I will never forget this feeling because I can't forget how feels pain , But I forgot how it feels to be happy ... and it hurts and it will hurt until I die.