conversation of me and my friend :
He : how are you ?
Me: fine , you?
He : me too...
Me: no , I lied I'm not fine .. I don't eat and sleep 3 days  and .. and I started cutting again .. I'm sorry  ...
He : why are you doing this ??
Me : I don't know , I just want to end this ..
He : you're stupid
Me : .. You know , sometimes I'm  afraid of myself .. I stopped talking , I like to be alone and I'm not me anymore and I feel better online.
He: I told you, just think what you have in your life ? nothing ? you  just think
Me : I think about this all the time , then I cut my skin
He : and cutting is the way ?
Me : and what should I do ? I don't have friends? I should sit alone and laugh at myself  ?? thats not what I want
He: I'm saying have a friends
1- be funny
2-be friendly
3- don't hurt them
5- don't tell your story until you know that they are real friends .
Me : and where can I found friends ? in the street ?
He : I meet my friends on facebook :)
Me: I will try , thanks ... (it's a lie)


few days ago we met and I acted like I don't hear his voice and I looked at the darkness when he was talking , I acted like there is nothing that can make me smile (that's true) and then he don't talked to me 4 days .I'm a real monster !! I hatte myself and I hate everything around me

who will love you ?

you know what hurts the most about broken heart ? Not being able to remember how you felt before.After all this i think I'm still in love with him and don't know why .. He was my first and last ..I just don't know how can i talk to people, they're so strange .. no I can't , I really can't .... I'm breathing with past , i still remember our first date , our first kiss and everything, everything about US !! that was so amazing I think it was just a dream but no it was real and i can't remember that feeling.. I can't remember how it feels to be happy or love someone that much.. and I don't know how to live like this anymore I don't want to live like this ...

I messaged him today :
- can you please call me today ?
-wait whats  happennig are you alright ??
-yes .. maybe not I just wanted to talk to you , but sorry it was mistake don't call me no more ..

and so what have I done ? i know he will understand that I'm not fine , because he knows me very good , he knows everything about me , but I don't know why he did this to me ... He will never know how much it hurts and he will never know ... then i will be dead and everything will be okay ... -_-

and who will love you like that ? who will wait for you how did that me ? who will  fight for you , who will miss you ? who ?? just tell me who ?I just don't know  why I'm still inlove with you ... I miss you and please , just don't forget me ..

I hate them..

I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !! I hate them all !!

First post

My name is Monster , because I don't want to say my real name. I created blog because I want to tell someone about my feelings , doesn't metter if someone really reeds this or nobody reads , I just need to write this ... Here I am , suicidal girl who lives with past and destroys her future (If I have it) .. My past is so beautiful .. I was very happy ,with Him !!!

we were together everytime .. I loved him so much and ..andd it was like a fairy tail , but without happy ending .. I think that fairy tails never have happy endings , it's all lies .I saw him with someone else and then i was jelous and we broke up .. I know that he loved me but he hurt me and that was over for us ! then everything was so difficult  i can't trust my friends because I don't want to get hurt again .. I'm alone all the time .. I cut my skin !! I cant sleep at night , I don't eat .. I'm listening to depressive metal .. and .. now I'm not who I was , I'm real monster ... and he ? he's in relationship and he's happy and I'm thinking about him all the time ...

Now I don't have friends and nothing good never happens in my life .. I don't know why I'm still here but all I know is that soon I will kill myself .

from my room to morgue

maybe no one will care .. There will be  sad posts on my wall but trust is that NO ONE LOVES ME ANYMORE !!! and suicide is what I want the most... nothing stops me but I want someone who will love me when I'm gone .. and then maybe someone will make a movie with my diaries : The Virgin Suicides 2 : Depressed Monster's diaries XD what the fuck am I writing ??? -_- I know there is one guy who loves me , but I don't know is this real or not , because I can't trust anyone anymore so what's the point of living ??? is that life ? I'm sitting home all day long , paint something terrible , cut my skin , listen to depressive metal and write in my diary .. IS THAT A LIFE ??????? and the saddest part is that my family doesn't know me at all , they think that I'm a normal girl but i don't know myself and who will know me ? no one !!